Saturday, August 1, 2009

Daddy Daycare

Dear Husband:

I commend you on your desire to spend time with your sons and your courage to do so despite much ribbing you can expect from your co-workers and friends. There are just a few points, however, that I would like to draw your attention to, with regards to this period of time. Feel free to post this notice on your car calendar, toolbox, beer fridge or wherever you think best and most convenient as a guide to such an event.

1. This is not a holiday. It is not an opportunity to sleep in, play video games, watch TV or catch up on the news. In fact, instead of your standard 8-hour workday, you can expect a 12-hour shift of crumb- and disgustingly messing feedings, cleaning after each said feeding, frantic playtimes, cleaning after each said playtime, sibling rivalry, troublesome diaper changes and the child wrestling involved in each said change, hurried story times and tearful bedtimes. If you have enough energy left over after each shift is completed, you are welcome to use your free time to cook and freeze some meals, do the laundry, shop for groceries or for any other household-related initiative.

2. In the absence of a commute to another place of work, it can be difficult to distinguish work hours from leisure time, or weekdays from weekends. Please note, however, that this distinction is no longer relevant. During daddy daycare, every day is Monday. And your shift starts and ends at the whims of your clients.

3. Although miniature in stature, your clients are no less demanding. They do, however, at times, have difficulty communicating their needs in a calm, mature, eloquent manner. As such, you will need to learn to exhibit extreme patience and understanding—nothing upsets them more than a rushed or frustrated response—and interpret their various squeals, screams, cries and babbles. The sooner, the better for you all.

4. You’re welcome, good luck and enjoy.

Sincerely,

Your loving, devoted, exhausted, wife.

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